D&D Moments

NPC's "You're recruits of what now?"
PC "OF KICKING YOUR ASS!"

After another party member saw his dreams a PC said, "Did you see that dream of me chained to a pillar being whipped by gnomes? Let's keep that one to ourselves."

After an inability to agree to post a watch, the party of fighters recieves the immortal line: "You all wake up, dead."

After being revived by a cleric and having what just happened explained to him Azar the binder replies to the question of "How did the mission go?" with, "Look the last thing I remeber is a lot of green smoke, and apparently I was stoned solid for 2 days, so I really couldn't tell you."

"All is darkness and pain... and fortitude saves."

"It is a walking chunk of XP."

"An assassin vine. Let's throw a bottle of lamp oil at it and then set it on fire!"
"Great! That worked! Excellent! It'll definitely take damage from the fire!"
*said vine proceeds to grapple a member of the party*

Sora: Whats this nymph doing in my tent?
DM: You have a 20 charisma, and her name is Talula. I'll let you think about that one.

Lady we Saved: Thanks for saving me
Zaider: Bitch, where's our reward!?

El Cody: Well since I'm a bard who is basically hotter than Fabio, I can walk around the street naked and get gold.

"My god is Bakas, he is the lord of money and wine. His symbol is himself sitting on a throne of frozen wine"; "Doesn't that get cold?" ; "It's lined with money."

-Said the barbarian-
"Arrows are for pussies"
"Poison is for pussies"
"Spells are for pussies"
"Shoes are for pussies"

a level 5 ranger in the group: Hey guys, don't worry, i'll just track him down *rolls a nat 1*
DM: you couldn't find your ass with both hands
an hour later after stumbling into an arena filled with grey renders, as the party huddles together to defend themselves, the ranger farts, then says "HEY GUYS, I FOUND MY ASS!"

City Guard, "what do you have in your bag miss?"
Rogue, "just some theives tools I stole. . . . . from a thief. . . .

DM: for the record food summoning cannot be used as a weapon, it cannot rain boiling nacho cheese

DM: you enter into the cave, seeing a small trickle of water running thru the center. you see across the trickle a door.
Rima: I want to knock on the door.
DM: are you sure?
Rima: Yeah, I definately want to knock on the door.
DM: You listen for a moment, and then knock on the door. You hear the people that are behind the door stop talking. After a few moments, you hear footsteps approaching the door.
Rima: I'm waiting patiently.
DM: You are hit square in the face by a door as it's being blown off it's hinges. You and the door go flying backwards and land in the trickle of water. You look up to see Reui, his left hand glowing brightly, and a carved staff in his right. He looks down at you.
DM(as Reui): You didn't use the secret knock.

we had a pretty funny one a while back here go's:
DM:the NPC is running towards you yelling to run
Rogue:Fuck the NPC!
DM: ok I think that would be a grapple check

War wizard's doomsday speech (impromptu at the time): I say! May your death be cursed as would the damned be damned! May it be aliken to a woeful rape at the hands of demonic otters. So then shall come the dancing, because there we stood in cambodia and it was the devil's birthday. Engulfed as one might have it, in the foul blazes of fury, I scream, "Are we not men!?!" To which came the resounding silence of the fallen hearts. I would not choose this end, but as I am not the tail of an ape nor the scales of a hedgehog, I stand before chaos, and so shall the enemy...
A-muthafucking-men

Star Wars rpg- I was playing a gambler, my other friend was playing pretty much a psychotic killer who technically was a smuggler who had gone off his rocker, and my other friend was playing a kid theif who in the game was my little sis. My little sis goes for a walk in the forest after our ship crash lands on this planet. My other friend goes in afterwards. Soon enough I see the smuggler walk out of the forest carrying my little sister's mutilated body. I aim my blaster pistol directly at his head and roll a sense motive check. The smuggler says "She was attacked by a bear." My gambler replies defiantly "There are no bears in this forest!" The game master then says "Jacci, roll dodge." I ask "Why?" "Because, you're getting attacked by a bear."

Written on a particularly gung-ho Halfling Palidin's belt buckle, "Feed 'em all, Let Yondalla sort 'em out."
It is a play on the contemporary phrase, "kill them all and let the paramedics sort them out," which is a play on the phrase from the crusades, "kill them all and god will know his own."

We are in a room surrounded by skeletons...
Cleric: I pick up a bone and throw it at Valan...
Dm: Ok
Cleric: Tom..you just got BONED!

The Bard disguised himself as an orc and snuck into an encampment where he stole several documents and hid them in his pants, on his way out, the guard questiond him, what was that in his pants, where the bard responded "Thats 18 Charisma"

Okay, the party cleric has befriended a man who's an international criminal. The guy, in fact, is a bad guy, he has an evil alignment and steals indiscriminantly and all that raz. So, anyway, because this theif enjoys his plane existing, he's been working against the king bringong doom, blah blah blah, he befriends the cleric. So, he convinces the cleric to allow him to hide from the assassins sent after him in the cleric's military barracks quarters (while the cleric remains at the inn his friends normally stay at, he still doesn't quite trust the guy, after all). He discovers, one day, a hole in his closet floor, leading to his theif friend's new hide-out/stash storage room. The cleric hasn't told his friends about any of this, as his friends plan on killing the thief on sight (he stole from them at lower levels... multiple times, even leaving nasty notes when they didn't have much worth taking)
A while later on an otherwise uneventful morning, a member of the party goes missing, so they scry and determine the cleric's room is on the way to where they're going. The cleric says they should stop there, he might be able to figure something out (his thief buddy might know something, in other words). Well, the cleric runs in his room with the whole party pilling in behind him. He walks into his closet, looks at everyone, then shuts the door and tries to move quietly to see if the thief is 'home'. The party wizard asks him what he's doing a couple minutes later, and the cleric replies, "Uh... nothing." Keep in mind the party's making haste to save one of their friends the whole time he's in there.
it's a wonderful 'you had to be there' moment.

"This tomb shall be your grave!"

"I hate you and all you represent" said the barbarian to the elemental

"Why does god hate me?" moaned the War Mage.
"You burned down his holy city" replied his companion.
"Yeah, but that was in good humor."

Me:"I bet Alla has the domain of war."
Muslim player: *punches me in shoulder*

You know, I've always wanted to design the ultimate in party-friendly characters. As far as I'm aware, you can have multiple auras from different classes. It'd be fun to make a Pacifist (Tome of Exaulted Deeds) character with every party-friendly aura there is. Paladin anti-fear, Dragon Shaman auras, Outsider Protection from auras, etc. Maybe toss in a level of Bard for Bardsong, although that'd require some playing around w/ alignments. The only problem with the idea is you'd have to have a level fifty bajillion character to pull it off. Someone that high in level would be pretty damn famous.
~O~
"Yeah, he was at the Battle of Five Armies. The Battle of Six Armies, too. And both of the Great Northern Wars. And that nasty bit of unpleasantness with the Void Queen. And he's also been present for the closing of eighteen extra-planar rifts. Ummm... I wouldn't be too inspired, though. From what I hear, he just stood there and told people not to fight. If he'd DONE something, maybe there wouldn't have been so many casualties."

One of my players is incapable of knocking down doors. The dice hate him. We've had much fun at his expense.

DM: "You're in a room. There's a dire rat strapped down to a table covered in tumors. There's a vile of brown liquid sitting on a shelf."
Sorceror: "I drink it."

Try and follow this situation. Two evil players ( a vampire ranger named Mathros, and a robot-like earth elemental type guy ) are walking in town.
Through gorey circumstances, they murder two shopkeepers who only spoke in riddles. After the carnage, a huge ogre with a club the size of a bus walks up and says, with a tear in his eye,
" . . . those were my only two friends"
The two players, both in and out of character, just looked at each other and burst out laughing.

after seeing a druid cast body of the sun for the first time our wizard exclaimed
"IT'S OVER 9000!!!"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBtpyeLxVkI

"Give me one good reason I shouldn't break you in thirty places" Said Gerd the monk to the mysterious ranger
The Ranger disapears
Gerd:"Well Fuck"

Moriarti:"Killing is exactly like icecream."
Nobody knew what the hell he was talking about.

Also - Attacked by orks, ludvig levelled his crossbow at the leading edge of the party.
Ludvig: I'm going to shoot!
Various party members pointed out that dester was in the combat that ludvig was shoting toward, and that the bow had concievably the same chance of hitting both characters.
Ludvig: I fail to see a downside,

Our DM: "In front of you is a closed door and to the right is a secret door...oops."

my DM to me as a druid. "I rolled, and your bat contracted cerebral palsey. And then you get herpes. Roll for damage."

Me as a DM
"Go left, go right, or use the trapdoor you can't see? Oh wait, i mean, the trapdoor opens up and you fall. Yeah. That's what i meant. Crap."

player after a loosing battle: how much HP did he have left when we ran away
DM: i dont know i guess you forgot to ask

ok so we were playing call of cthulhu. we had to travel to my character's aunt's house. there was some sort of infestation. we took care of that but it turns out the main bad guy had skined my character's aunt and was wearing her skin, pretending to be her. we figured this out and my best freind's character ended up taking the skin, putting it on, and chasing my character all over the yard yelling "nobody loves you, BUT YOUR AUNTY DOES!!!!" in this old lady voice. my buddy and i laughed for the next 20 minutes literally. the rest of the group just left us alone in the corner while they played

Sorcerer: I cast Baleful Polymorph on the ranger (me).
*bunch of rolls*
DM to me: You fail at life. (to sorcerer) What would you like him to be?
Sorcerer: A chicken.
DM to me: You turn into a chicken. *prints off stat sheet* Here you go.
Me: I attempt to leave the village.
*rolls*
DM: You fail to leave the village due to a village catching you and putting you in the pen with the rest of the chickens.
Me: I attempt a charisma check.
DM: On what?
Me: The chickens.

My friend playing a rogue/wizard:
To a group of goblins: Pfft. I can take you all out. I have mage armor with only a 10% chance of arcane spell failure.
To DM: I cast Mage Armor.
*rolls percentage dice*
To the dice: ... Fuck...

from the wounded cleric:
"Can I just lay on the ground and touch myself?"

Okay, we had our friend, who we called the sexy meat shield, or an elven ranger, and his animal companion, a hawk named raymond.
"How can they not like my hawk?! Everybody loves raymond!"
And later in that game, his character is trying to shoot a rabbit with his bow and arrow, and rolls a natural one. He's a sixth level ranger, and it takes him all day to kill a rabbit. Meanwhile, we decided to roll for raymonds hunt, to see if Julian needed to share his rabbit with him. Raymond gets a natural 20 and brings back a buffalo.
The amusing part is that a few weeks later, in the news, an eagle was seen carrying a deers head in alaska. I swear, he musta been raymonds cousin.

(After the cleric removes a crossbow bolt from the back of my head and revives me) "Don't run from your problems, they'll just shoot you in the back."

Then one more! In a speed campagin over New Years, I was a human sorcerer named Jim. Very bright young man. Lacking self confidance, after he said something "silly" he would always repeat "stop it Jim." after everything he said.

"HAHA! I've summoned a shambling mound! My mound is strong, powerful, RESPECT MY MOUND! YOU CAN'T DEFEAT MY BUSH...Oh, wow, awkward."

Referencing a weasel familiar.
"What kind of man would back-stab another man's weasel?"

One of the best so far: “I swear to drunk, I am not Obad-Hai.”

"Peridot, Rolls off the tongue like soup"

Druid: hey tony (rouge). lets make speedy (wizzard) take a crap on the alter
Speedy: guys, im not taking a crap on the alter
Tony: well speedy, its not realy up to you

Said by the player of a dwarven cleric:
"Look, when i talk in a fake irish accent it means i'm talking in game... if i dont have that accent, i didnt really say it."

Group was retrieving an artifact called "The Weather Vane", said to control...the climate within a certain area.
Upon prying the Weather Vane out of the cold, dead hands of the previous owner , the wizard of the group then proceeds:
Wizard- "I'm going to use my scroll of Identify on it."
DM - *looks for a moment at the wizard*
Wizard- "What is it?"
DM - "It's the Weather Vane."
Wizard OOC- "Oh yeah..."

"It's a win/win...Possibly...lose, situation!"

"My hump just switched sides..."

"Race!? Why's it always gotta be about RACE!?"

"I see them!"
"And they see us...THANK YOU mister shineypants..."

a druid and his ac (lumpy the wolf) are looking for something and lumpy rolls abetter spot
Druid: Lumpy, what do you see?
Lumpy(DM): Bark!
Druid: ok fine, i cast speak with animals: "Lumpy what do you see"
Lumpy: i'm hungry, give me a cookie

"Haha! You thought you had me fooled! I know you're undead!"
"Dude, that's a dragon! It's not undead"
"Not for long!"
"I give up!"
"but he didn't even attack! Why give up, we can beat him!"
"That's not what i meant"
"Fine, but i get the gravy..."

"I've got intelligence of 26, can i tell if he's evil?"
"Dude, all he said was hello. And then he gave you free beer. is free beer evil? Methinks not"

NPC: So did you all speak with the Grey Render?
Knight: Yes
Wizard: It was big... and grey.
Ranger: It could rend...

DM: Make a fort save
Dwarven Fighter in full plate mail: I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!
DM: Ok, make a will save.
Fighter: I'm STILL the Juggernaut, bitch!
DM: ...make a reflex save...
Fighter: damnit...
DM: You're the Juggernaught, bitch!

All targeting the same subject, in the following order:
1) Flesh to stone
2) Stone to mud
3) Purify water
4) Prestidigitation, to make the water taste like ale.
Raise a glass, and toast your victory!

We decided to do a random campaign and I was playing a Catfolk and a friend of mine was playing a Gnoll. So we had the whole Cat vs. Dog thing going on yet we were suppose to be working together. While our DM kept trying to explain the story we would keep going back and forth "Stupid Dog" "Stupid Cat".
Well, it wasn't too long till we got into a fight....not with each other but with something else, can't remember what now. Anyways, I climbed up into a tree with a bow and was sniping them. One of them got onto the Gnoll's back and I had a 50-50 chance of hitting the creature, or hitting the Gnoll. I decided that I could take the chance. *zip* Right into the Gnoll's back. He didn't die but he was pretty pissed.
This could also be one of those "you had to be there" moments.

After setting up camp for the night outside a still smoldering Raptorian village...
Gnoll Barbarian who rages whenever he gets the chance, and poops on everything: "I have darkvision - we should go on a recon mission"
Dwarven Fighter who cant go 5 minutes without hitting something, and encourages the Gnoll to poop on everything: "Yeah me too, we'll see what happened to the town and come back."
Things did not go as planned

This was a very long time ago and we were about to enter a town, my younger brother took charge and went to the gate. He heard a "Halt, who goes there?" My brother says, "Me!"
"Me who"-gate man.
Right then my brother leans forward and says "Is the gate talking to me?"
We tease him all the time, course it was just a silly little brain fart ^_^

"Someone turn the friendly fire off!"

“The armor resizes!" --Aden, upon being turned into a frog.

(Aden was our Paladin, Heimdal was his faithful steed)
"It's three times the size of Mount Himalayas!" --Austin
"Mount Heimdal!" --Julia
"That's what Aden does." –James

"James, you're really into this. Are you sure I'm dwarvey enough?" --Julia
"Well...a beard would help..." --James

"Pelor smiles upon pancakes." –Aden

"This is Exalted. I said Complete Di-fucking-vine." –Dave

James--"Aw shit, that's my bad saving throw."
Austin--"What did you roll?"
James--"25."

"I put the ring on. Do I turn into the Dark Lord?" –James

"She may be a powerful wizard, but she has the combat ability of a wet paper napkin." –James

"We can't stop caring about the world until we hit epic level. Then we can sit in a tower and tell adventurers 'Sorry, I can't help you.' " –James

"Guys! Back to reality!" ::points at game:: --Dave

What I say in sarcasm, you say in earnest." –Dabble